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Parents and Daughters

Horrified! That’s the best way to describe what me and my wife felt while watching the game this week! Not horrified by the game, but horrified at the commercials, and how racy and lewd they were!

Sitcoms are just as racy and lewd! They have been attacking families and relationships constantly, but now they have really kicked it up to a new level. “Men are fools”. Well, some of us earned that.” Kids are uncontrollable, disrespectful monsters”. Well only if you allow it.

Now this! A new show called I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Really? Moms hate their daughters? I get it’s a tough relationship at times, but get some wisdom and skills to navigate it! But I digress.

If you don’t understand the power of the media, you need to. The power of suggestion on teens and adults is massive, and these statements and humorously arranged circumstances that are shown are actually painful for all involved.

I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, 9 to 20 in age range. I HAVE NEVER HATED MY KIDS.

At any age, at any stage. Never resented them, and the suggestion that it’s humorous for parents to hate their kids, and that the teenage years are going to be awful is something I refused my entire parenting career.

”Terrible two’s”? I refused and rebuked it. High school? Not a problem. Not perfect, mind you, but I refused to let my kids’ behavior influence how I felt about them, or how I trained them and coached them.

There is a separation time that happens when your kids are teens, as it should, and you should be separating from them and training them to be more independent.

The whole parent-pal model has failed since the 1970′s and will fail forever. You’re a parent, grow up. They’ve got friends, they need a parent.

Placing unrealistic adult expectations on a relationship with a child or teen is selfish and creates codependency. Don’t do it.

But you have to control how you feel when disappointed by your teens. But hate ‘em? Never!

Frustrated with them? Agitated? “Sure, join the club, we’ve got jackets”, as Shrek says.

But hating someone that was a gift from heaven, I wouldn’t even joke about that. And suggesting it, is trying to make fun of and damage a relationship that is a gift from heaven. Even when it’s not going smooth.

I remember once my 17 year old son wanted to go on a ski trip with his high school girlfriend and family, I said no (parents you know its ok to say that, right?), and he said he was gonna be mad at me and hate me for the weekend (emotional manipulation), to which I said, “I love you too much to let your temporary hatred of me sway my decision of what I think is best, I’m a big boy I can take it”

So don’t watch that show, or if you do, feel sorry for the fools who will laugh at it, while it influences the way they interact and feel about their relationships with their moms and daughters.

You and the StormProof Tribe, we avoid the attempt at belittling our families, minds, spirits, health, and finances.

Fear and weakness is for others, not for us. Turn off the idiot box; you’ll be better for it.

Success is up to you!

Say What You Want To See

Providing correction to children is one of the chief responsibilities of every parent. One important nuance in the area of brain development is crucial when facing this responsibility. The fact is that human beings of all ages don’t process negative commands well. Children especially, just don’t understand them. If your child is acting up and you tell them to stop being wild and obnoxious,” in their mind they hear “Be wild and obnoxious”. If you say, “Don’t hit your sister,” they hear “hit your sister”. Try it for yourself. If I tell you, “Don’t think about pink elephants,” what does your mind begin to think about? Yep…pink elephants. The reason this happens is because we think in pictures about what is being said. That is the way the human mind works.

 

With our children we must lean to say what we want to see. We must speak the instruction that will produce the positive behavior we are looking for. For example, instead of saying, “Stop being wild and obnoxious,” you can say “Straighten up and be calm.” Likewise, instead of saying, “Don’t hit your sister,” you can say “Keep your hands to yourself. Show me your best manners.” In this way, you are communicating the positive behavior you want to see in a way that their minds can understand it. This is what I call “seeding” the behavior that you want. Our words are like seeds, so by planting the right seeds, we will harvest the right behavior.

 

We also need to avoid saying negative, destructive statements to our children. Hurtful words spoken in anger are painful. They have lingering and limiting effects on the future of your children. Instead of saying, “You are so stubborn,” which is a negative, destructive statement, say something like, “You have a spirit of a leader, and you won’t be easily misled.” Or, rather than allowing a critical remark escape like “You are always making messes and getting into stuff you aren’t supposed to,” you could say, “I’m glad that you are creative and inquisitive. Let’s define what areas you can play in, and those that are off limits.” It is about putting a positive spin on the words of correction that we are giving.

 

And as parents, we must realize that whatever we are trying to teach our children to do, it is going to take them time and repetition to learn. They probably won’t “get it” or do it as well as you would like immediately, and that’s okay. Ask God for grace – divine strength and ability – to talk to your children in the most effective way possible. In this way you will be correcting them in the same way you yourself like to be addressed when you are in the process of learning something new. Aren’t we all glad that God is patient, kind; slow to anger, and forgiving when He corrects us (Psalm 145:8,9)? Let us imitate Him, since He’s the perfect parent.